Episode Addition to Unimatrix Zero"
by Anne T.M
Summary: What was Chakotay doing while she was gone? Was he cleaning the carpets?


Synopsis: Just a missing scene from Unimatrix Zero

Disclaimer: Paramount owns everything but the ideas.

Episode Addition to Unimatrix Zero: Don't Give Up on Me

The waiting was driving him crazy! He knew there was nothing anyone could do until they heard from the away team, but that didn't mean he had to like it. In fact, he hated the whole thing from the moment she purposed the idea. He had not held back when he gave her every reason she should not do this. That was not true, he did hold back one reason. But she knew. He knew she knew. She reached out her hand for him before she left. It was so uncharacteristic of her to display any vulnerability but he could see the fear in her eyes. He wanted to tell her not to go, that he could not live without her. Instead he remained what she needed, a supportive first officer. So instead he promised to clean the carpets. Suddenly, a picture of Kathryn as a Borg flashed through his mind. His body recoiled. He could not just sit here and wait. He needed to feel close to her until he could rescue her from a fate worse than death. He looked around. He really shouldn't leave the bridge with only Harry and Tom left as senior officers but he had to. He could not stay another minute He stood up from his command chair. "Harry, you have the bridge. I will be in the Captain's ready room."

Tom swiveled in his chair and caught the Commander's eye. He knew exactly how Chakotay felt and wished he could leave also. He wanted nothing more than go to his quarters and touch everything that belonged to B'Elanna. 

Chakotay gave Tom a forced smile as he walked down from his station. He wanted to reassure Tom but they both understood the reality of the situation. "Harry, contact me the minute you hear anything."

"Yes, sir."

Chakotay stopped dead in his tracks and turned and glared at the ensign. Those were words he was expressly told to never use unless it was crunch time. Chakotay let out a breath and finally admitted to himself that that was the exact position they were in. He turned back around without speaking and headed to her ready room.

He slowly circled the room touching everything as he went. He ran his hands across the couch where just last night she sat. She sat there facing him arguing that this was a good plan. He vehemently opposed her. Any plan that endangered her life was not a good plan to him. He proceeded to the replicator and ordered a back coffee just to smell it. Finally he made his way to her desk. He sat down in her chair. His eye caught an empty spot on the corner of the desk. Slowly it dawned on him that there used to be a picture frame there. The picture that linked her to her past on earth. He thought that being here in her surrounded by her things would make him better. Instead of feeling soothed he ached. He ached to see her again, to hold her hand for just one more minute. He needed more. He longed to find something of hers that connected him to her. He opened the drawer to the left and found various PADDS. They were all reports that they had already gone over together and approved. He relinquished his quest for intimacy and settled in the all to familiar territory of duty. He decided it was better to work. So, he entered the sequences into the computer to log in each report. One less thing she would have to do when she returned. 

On a mission to lighten to her work load even further he went in search of more PADDS. He opened the top drawer on the right. In it he found a single PADD laying on top of the picture frame that used to be on her desk. It was turned down so you could not see the image. His heart pained for her. He remembered the sorrow in her voice as she told him about the letter. She was so close to letting go that day before Neelix called them. Another moment interrupted by fate. He wondered why she would keep the letter from Mark. Fighting a losing battle he picked up the picture just to see her face. It didn't matter to him that he would see her with Mark, it only mattered that he would see her. When he turned the frame over his hands began to tremble and it almost fell. The frame no longer held the photo of her, her dog and her former fiancé. Outlined in silver was a formal picture taken the day of graduation at Starfleet Academy. He blew out his breath and leaned back in the chair staring at the picture. It was a picture of him. She must have downloaded it from the Starfleet data base. Somehow she managed to print a copy to fit inside the frame. Suddenly, he felt like an intruder. The frame felt like fire. It hit his lap as it fell out of in hands. In an attempt to comfort himself, he had become a voyeur. He returned the picture to its place in the desk. In order to leave things exactly as they were he had to pick up the lone PADD. As he began to replace things his name caught his eye. Looking closely at the PADD he saw that it was not the letter from Mark but a letter to him. Now his entire body was shaking. He checked the stardate on it and found that it had been written this morning. Did she mean for him to find it? For a second he felt trapped by his conscious, but he knew the outcome before the conflict even registered in his mind. He called up the letter.

__

Chakotay,

I am scared. You probably never expected to hear those words from me, but they are true. In fact, I have never been more scared in my life. I tried desperately to put on a brave front for the crew but I know you saw through it. Last night after we finished our discussion, all right, argument, you softly reached out for my hand. As we sat there I know both of our emotions were in turmoil. I could see the storm brewing in your eyes. You wanted to demand that I don't go. You wanted to think of any reason to make me stay. Yet you gave me what I needed most, support. You'll never know how much that simple touch meant to me. It gave me strength. It gave me courage. The quiet calm you exuded in that tumultuous moment amazed me. I wanted to sit there holding on to your hand throughout the night. Saying goodnight was the hardest thing I had to do in a long time.

Either you found because I am dead or because you need a piece of me to hold on to, just as I am now clinging to your image in my mind to help me through this terrible ordeal. In either case I have a request. If I don't come back, promise me you will get them home. I owe them that. If I do come back, wait for me. You don't owe me that, in fact you owe me nothing. I, on the other hand, owe you more than I could ever repay in a lifetime, but Chakotay, please wait for me. I'm sure you are stunned right now. But believe me Chakotay, I know all my personality flaws. In fact, in most cases I am my own worst enemy. That seems especially true where you are concerned. Sometimes I am too wrapped up in fulfilling my obligation to the crew that I forget to live. You are probably amazed that I know that, but on the morning of what I believe may be my last day, life became crystal clear. I have spent many years letting life pass me by, living up to other peoples expectation, fulfilling other people's dreams. Unfortunately, I don't know if that will change before we get home. I know you were ready a long time ago. You were there, ready to admit your feeling and make a commitment but I was not. I desperately wanted to be, but I couldn't. I had to return and be the Captain again. I am no longer sure if you are still there or if time has passed me by but if you are I beg you to wait. One day I won't be captain anymore. One day my crew will be home and I will be able to be Kathryn again. Our time will come. 

I'm sorry. I am not doing a very good job of explaining this. There is an old earth verse that reminds me of how I feel. Maybe it will make it clearer.

****

If you get there before I do, don't give up on me.

I'll meet you when my chores are through

I don't how long I'll be.

But I'm not going to let you down

Just you wait and see

But between now and then,'til I see you again

I'll be loving you-

Love me.

Maybe that didn't do it either. I wish I had a legend or something beautiful to say but I don't. I am not as good with words as you are so I'll keep it simple, I love you.

Love,

Kathryn

Chakotay clutched the PADD to his chest as the tears rolled down his face. "You are wrong! You are very good with words. It's everything I have every wanted to hear." He closed his eyes and let the emotions seep through him. His eyes snapped open at the sound of Harry's voice.

"Commander, the away team is signaling us."

"On my way." He sprang to his feet. With renewed hope in his heart he walked to the doors. Before entering the bridge he wiped the remnants of the tears from his face. With a purpose in his stride and a PADD planted firmly in his right hand he sat down and ordered Harry to put the message through.


End file.
